David, I was in tears for most of your story. My sister and her partner adopted an older child through foster care and it is one of the bravest things anyone I know had done. They have had some problems---the child is right now at a summer camp for at-risk kids and will likely need therapy for awhile---but considering that when they got her, she had been so abused and neglected that she was ten years old and had never been to school, couldn't read, and was surprised to discover that she was to sleep in her own bed without, shall we, say, company---they have done absolute wonders with her. And I have a student right now in foster care. It just breaks my heart. I think I am too much of a softie to do what my sister did because it would devastate me to bond with a child and then maybe have to send them back to parents who I know would not be equipped for them, or to situations which are not optimal or which are ruled by bureaucratic issues and not the child's best interests.
I am rooting so hard for my sister's child to come out okay after everything she's been through. I really, really want the happy ending for that poor kid, and I know that being adopted rather than staying in foster care is the only chance a lot of these kids have. I give you and your partner a ton of credit and it's always nice to hear about a happy ending!