Quote:
Originally Posted by rhadin
Granted the description and word choice could be better, but my problem with your example is the repetition. How many times do I need to be told it stinks?
Doesn't "nearly bowled over by the stench" say the same as "The smell hit him out of nowhere, like an invisible curtain that slapped him in the face." Doesn't it also say "A scent of rot and decay filled the place."
I also wonder what is meant by "It was so strong that he felt his stomach buckling and was aware of a slight gorge rising in his throat." Is it his stomach that was aware of the "slight gorge rising in his throat" (which is what the sentence implies as written)? And what's the difference between a "slight gorge" and some other "gorge"? And do stomachs "buckle"?
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I'm wondering if he had meant to write "bucked" instead of "buckled" for the stomach. I'm still not sure it's the best word, but there would have been less head-scratching on my side. And although the whole face-whipping curtain didn't do anything for me, I think "curtain" could have been used effectively in that paragraph.