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Old 05-14-2013, 02:45 PM   #8
BeccaPrice
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on #1 - does it matter how old she is? and also, if the daughter is already ill, I don't think even thousands of dollars can purchase health insurance - generally (until the Affordable Health Care act goes into effect) there's a 1-year pre-existing conditions exclusion.

The lasts sentence strikes my ear as awkward, but I can't define why... something about all those clauses and "the mobster who owns it.."

Do you really want to make your heroine be a thief?

On #2, you can omit the first sentence, and say that "Jamie Thompson has been the perfect daughter..." You also don't need to define that she was looking for an accounting job, if it fell through, unless her being good at accounting is part of the plot. "when a promised job falls through, Jamie..."

also, since it's clear that she's not going home, does it matter how many miles from home she is?

just off the top of my head reactions. I'm not great at writing blurbs, myself.
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