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Old 05-13-2013, 01:35 PM   #5
ApK
What did you call me?
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ, USA
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I think #1 is needlessly wordy. For example, I don't care that the friend was from college or that Jamie has previous waitressing experience.

I like #2. I'd read that book.

I agree that #3 needs help. It reads like there was care in crafting the prose of the first paragraph, but then the payoff sentences were just rushed in at the last second. It reminds me of the reports I used to turn in in school, when I'd realize I hadn't written a closing paragraph just as the teacher was collecting the paper from the person right in front of me. "umm....And then she died. The end."

Last edited by ApK; 05-13-2013 at 01:40 PM.
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