Everything you need for a perfect Super Bowl bash:
Beer. You should have a lot of beer, in case the game is hideously boring. Call up your guests and ask what kind they prefer. If they say “light” beer, you should tell them they are no longer invited, because you are NOT going to have light beer if you want me to show up.
Chips. This is the SUPER BOWL, baby. It demands dangerous potato chips, chips so full of harmful substances that they sometimes spontaneously burst into flames. Also, there is no need get all Martha Stewart-y and put chips into bowls. Each guest should have a bag so people don’t have to reach for the bowl, which can lead to exertion.
No vegetables. Scientists believe vegetables are the result of something called “photosynthesis.” We do not know enough about this yet to risk ruining your Super Bowl party.
A TV set. Not totally necessary, if you have enough beer.
By Dave Barry. The humorist’s 40th book, Insane City, arrives Jan. 29.