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Old 05-18-2008, 01:23 AM   #41
Steven Lyle Jordan
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Comcast!!

Verizon!!!

Around my house, my friends know that when they hear those words uttered by anyone within my earshot, it's time to say: "Damn... is that the time? Gotta go...I, uh... have a manhole in the oven!"

Verizon earned my ire in 2002, when I tried to have DSL installed in my office. From the moment of my first phone call, to the moment we finally had working DSL in my office, 6 months had passed!

6 months!

6 months of yelling, alternately coherently and incoherently, at phone support wonks who couldn't find their a$$es if their noses were neck deep in 'em! Who lost accounts! Who lost service calls! Who even seemed to lose reps every few weeks, and being forced to open new accounts that would inevitably be lost later! Who scheduled service calls that would end up on the wrong side of town, so they'd reschedule for the next season, then end up at the same place they went the first time!

And meanwhile, the DSL I had installed at home was being inundated with too many new users, and my high-speed connection became pokier than a 14.4 modem! If someone had called me up and said, "Yo! We're going over to Verizon's home office with torches and pitchforks... wanna come?" I would've said, "I'll bring the Molotov cocktails!"

That was when Comcast entered my web life. I dumped Verizon DSL for Comcast high-speed internet at home, and everything worked fine... for most of a year. Then, the internet connection went bad whenever it got warm outside.

WARM! Not hot... just #^@&ing warm!!

I'd call Comcast for service, and they'd schedule a service call for sometime in the next 5-9 days! By which time, the problem had gone, then come back, gone, come back, gone, come back, and gone an hour before they showed up! And come back half an hour after they left!

They checked inside my house. They always insist the problem is in your house! But they couldn't find a problem... so they left. After a few days of more gone, back, gone, back, gone, back, etc, I'd call back. And they'd insist on... yes... COMING BACK TO THE HOUSE! They ALWAYS insist the problem is in your house... even after their own technicians have documented that it wasn't!

Then Verizon, managing to feel my anguish through their special connection to the dark side of the Force, decided to put fiber optic lines in my neighborhood. They told the neighborhood that they would come through and install lines in the spring. But they did not show up until late summer. And when they did, they tore up the neighborhood, leaving huge piles of dirt everywhere, planting huge boxes with covers the size of battleship plate every few houses!

And when it looked like they were going to just skip our street out of pure spite, we happened to go on vacation. When we came back... YES! A brand new piece of battleship plate in my front yard... half the lawn dug up... and the best part, they couldn't even manage to keep the plate on public right of way! It intrudes into my property by 2 feet.

2 #^@&*%$!IN' FEET!

Calls to complain only led to a strange laughter that seemed to echo through the air and float over my head every night.

Now summer's here, and my Comcast internet is doing the gone, back, gone, back, gone, back, bone, gack, bone, gack bit again. My eyes have developed a noticeable resemblance to Marty Feldman's whenever I try to get online. Whenever I hear the word "Comcast," I immediately scream back, "COMCAST!! Slowly I turned! Step by step... inch by inch... I crept up on them! I unlimbered my grenade launcher, and punched one through the receptionist's desk! Up the stairs to the executives' offices! I stuffed one down the throat of the President! Here's one for the moron in the commercials! There's one for the guy who did their stoopid logo! Another! Another!.."

And, GODS HELP ME, I am actually considering calling Verizon to have them connect me to their battleship plate on my property. And the day after I do, I will be paying a visit to my doctor, so he can CASTRATE ME... which should be a #^@&*%$!IN' PLEASURE compared to what I've endured over the past SIX YEARS...

Hahh...

H-haahhh--h...

hngh...

boy, look at the time...
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