Feedback for you...
I'm so glad to see that this thread continues to produce such excellent written content from all of the participants. Y'all are really talented.
@Geoff Sleep Well!
I am sitting here with goosepimples going up and down my body after reading your piece. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY!! I'm not sure I want to go to sleep tonight!
What an absolutely exquisitely written and purposed piece! Your word imagery is the best I've read in ages, Geoff. I am so impressed with this piece.
The flow is just uneven enough (that's a good thing, mind...) to add to the building excitement / anticipation / horror of the piece while keeping the eye moving ahead -- almost on its own not waiting to fulling read the first word before jumping to the next.
In the third stanza you bring the piece to its climax and, a shattering climax it is. I can feel myself lying in that bed drenched in sweat with my heart beating wildly.
Excellent, excellent piece! Thank you for sharing it.
It took me quite a few minutes to read, re-read and re-read again your piece and then, quite a few minutes more before I could gather my thoughts to write these comments to you.
You have written a piece that could be placed amongst all the names of the soldiers, sailors, marines and airmen it honors. Beautiful and inspiring are two words that immediately come to mind.
You've not only written a fitting eulogy for the fallen but a memorial that will withstand the ages.
On behalf of myself, my father and all my other family members who have served and are still serving, thank you for this fitting tribute.
@Caleb Break the Spell
Let me tell you, Caleb, I want a copy of this once you've put it to music. Beautifully written and an excellent story. It reminds me of something Pink Floyd would have written.
Your flow is great; your word imagery grabbing. Very well written and a great set of lyrics!