WHAT THE BUTLER SAW ......
THE PROVERBIAL RED HERRING(S)
FISHIE THE NEXT
THE OBLIGATORY SEX LOVE SCENE
"Got any matches, filip" asked Zelda, not really expecting an affirmative response.
"No, but I do have this!" answered filip. Zelda heard a rasp, smelled a harsh metallic stench, and was suddenly blinded as the hallway was abruptly lit up like sunrise on the Sahara Desert, and became just as hot! Zelda smelled more of her frizzy locks incinerating on her forehead.
"When I was locked in the taxi cab's trunk, I found an emergency road flare and was able to jam it down my pants. I thought I might be able to use it as a weapon against my kidnapper, if I ever got out."
"So that was what I felt when I hugged you, and I thought ..... oh dear ... I thought .... you know .... I'm so embarrassed ...." stuttered Zelda as she hid her crimson face in her hands.
"Oh contraire ma cherie, I WAS glad to see you! Really glad. Excited (you might say) to see you."
"Oh filip" sighed Zelda, "for a brief moment I feared all I sensed was that thing!"
"L'amour surgit toujours quand on s'y attend le moins..."
Filip drew himself up sharply and declared "I am a Frenchman! We do NOT use 'things' ... we do NOT need 'things' ... I am 100% man!"
*sigh* filip ...
*sigh* zelda ....
*sigh* filip ....
*sigh* zelda ....
"Blow out the flare filip" sighed Zelda.
After a few minutes of heavy breathing, filip replied: "No can do! Hey, what's behind this door?"
Zelda again beheld the opulently bedizened door leading to the parlour, and wasted no time hauling filip into the sensual wonderland awaiting them inside.
"I sure hope Jeeves remembered to clean up in here! All that sticky ice cream ... and blood ... and the body on the divan. Oh well, the carpet will be plenty cushy enough." Zelda exulted in finally having the proper reason to enter the parlour of forbidden pleasures!
*moan* oh, filip
*moan* oh, zelda
*moan* oh, filip
*moan* oh, zelda
*moan* oh, "WHAT? Who said that? Show yourself now!"
"Hey kids, I'm back" shouted Rock Lobster. "Come on outta there where I can see you. Wow, it's bright out here! Who lit the fireworks? Oh sorry, am I interrupting something? I wouldn't want to intrude, you know, since it would be rude and all that, except that while you guys was canoodling I just happened to run down the real murderer! Fast little guy ... can take corners like a scalded cat! But I got him."
"Encore lui ! C'est vraiment le roi des cheveux sur la soupe..."
Zelda hastily rearranged her disarranged ensemble and emerged into the harsh light filling the hallway. Blinking furiously until her eyes adjusted to the million candle-watt level of illumination provided by the smoldering flare, she tried to focus on the new figure held firmly in Lobster's right claw, errr, mitt.
"Hi Zelda! Hi filip! What's up?"
"Catire!" screamed Zelda, "what are you doing here tonight? Why were you running away? What has Rock Lobster done to you?"
A silence fell in the hallway until Lobster shook the dangling diminutive figure, which began to splutter into life.
"It's a fair cop!" answered Catire, "he got me dead to rights, he did!"
And then more silence, until Lobster prodded the hapless captive again.
"I did it! I did all of them. Yup! Slaughtered all of them! Everywhere! Guilty as charged! I confess fully and freely and throw myself on the mercy of the court!"
"Oh Catire," sighed Zelda, "have you been reading Rumpole late at night again? That's a terrible cockney accent! And a terrible confession."
"Just who did you kill, eh?" asked filip.
"Well," stalled Catire, until Rock gave him another prod, "All of them! Yup! Every body! Every dead body I mean. Not yours. Yours is still alive. Can I kill you too?"
"What did you use for a weapon?" inquired Zelda.
Silence. Another prod. "A deadly weapon! Yup! That's what I used! Deadly weapons! All of them were deadly!"
This informal interrogation of the alleged perpetrator was about as illuminating of the truth as a Pat and Mike routine on St. Patrick's Day.
Another shake elicited "And it sure wasn't easy! All that killing! And the bodies kept moving! After they wuz dead! Tweren't very fair oiy say."
Rock Lobster opened the handcuffs, drawling out of the corner of his mouth "Well, I don't know about youze two lovebirds, but I'm satisfied. This jamoke is our perp, sure nuff! I'm collecting this collar, and the reward. You two just get back to whatever foolin' around you was engaging in."
Catire meekly extended his tentacles, errr, arms towards the shiny metal bracelets, beaming with joy at his new-found notoriety. He was already planning his first press conference and his insanity defense plea.
"No, no, no, no, no, no" stammered Zelda. "You can't arrest Catire. He can't confess to murder. Pshrynk's alive! He answered the door tonight and let you in! You saw him! There was no murder! Go away and leave us in peace! Please go away now! Someone ring for Jeeves to show you out. Out of our lives!"
"I know where the butler's pantry is" cried Catire, and he scuttled off into the darkness. "Jeeves! Oh Jeeves! We need you."
A pregnant silence fell on the brightly lit group standing motionless in the hallway. It was a stand-off! A true stand-off! A test of wills! A testament to the truth! A matter of honor! A reason for life-long psychotherapy! Our hapless group had achieved, at great personal cost, truth stranger than fiction! No one could make this stuff up!
[Who needs a throat lozenge?]
[Will Zelda's head explode?]
[Did the murderer just cleverly escape?]
[What, if anything, had Catire seen tonight?]